“In every generation there is a chosen one… She alone will stand 
against the vampires, the demons, and the forces of darkness. She is the slayer.” –Buffy the Vampire Slayer
The other day I talked about the X-Files. Now I’m going to cover my OTHER favorite show of all time.
“Buffy the Vampire Slayer” was a show created with more than a few expectations to fail, considering it was based upon a sub-par movie of the same name. But it did exactly the opposite. The show was a hit, and here I am about to tell you why (though I’m sure most of you already know.) Are you ready for another one of “Embry’s slightly satirical synopses”? Awesome. Here we go…
Buffy Summers (played by Sarah Michelle Gellar) is your average high school girl. She enjoys cheerleading, fashion, boys, killing vampires and demons, and burning down high schools. Okay, so the last two probably aren’t so average, but when you are a vampire slayer they’re just as routine as brushing your teeth.
She moves to Sunnydale, CA, with her mom, Joyce, after she is expelled from her high school in LA for burning it to the ground. You can’t really hold that against her, though. I mean, the damn school was filled with evil creatures! (and I’m not just talking about the teenagers and gym teachers). So now she’s starting a new life in a nice little town that just happens to be set above the mouth of hell.
Since Buffy is a hot blonde with a wardrobe fit for the cast of “Beverly Hills, 90210”, all the popular girls immediately try to befriend her. However, Buffy is familiar with the sacrifices required to be a part of this typical A-List cult; and since she would prefer to keep her IQ on the right side of the bell curve, she politely declines and chooses instead to hang out with Willow (Alyson Hannigan) and Xander (Nicholas Brendon).
Willow is a sweet, loyal, beyond-intelligent computer geek; and Xander is, well… Xander. Goofy, sarcastic, and less-than savvy about most things (including girls, spelling, girls, making friends with other guys, and girls).
After choosing her posse, Buffy gets the pleasure of meeting Rupert Giles. Giles is like a superhero in his own right. Dorky librarian by day, “Watcher” of the slayer and expert on all things paranormal and evil by…. well…. the rest of the day.
At first, Buffy tries to decline her destiny. All the arson and expulsion have left a bad taste in her mouth, so she’s hesitant to continue upon the path of all this vampire and demon stuff. She soon sees, though, that Sunnydale is in DESPERATE need of some demon ass-kicking, so she gives in and the real fun begins.
Now enter Angel (or Angelus if you want to keep up formalities), played by David Boreanaz. Angel was your ORIGINAL sullen, overprotective, stalkerish, hot young vampire (minus the glittering-in-the-sunlight bit). At the start of the series, he’s the only good vampire in the show because he’s been cursed with a conscience by an ancient group of white-magic-practicing gypsies who got all vengeful after he killed most of their clan. So once Buffy moves into town, he thinks “This girl is hot, AND she destroys all evil things?! I gotta get a piece of THAT action.” So at first he stalks her and acts all creepy and mysterious, giving her bits of unsolicited advice and help. It doesn’t take Buffy long, though, to figure out what Angel is really about. And then she’s all, “Okay. You’re sexy, you know my secret (so there will be no need for awkward dishonesty there), and you’re immortal; so not only will you STAY hot, but you can help me and I don’t need to worry about you getting yourself killed. Yeah, I’m cool with this arrangement.”
On the opposite end of the vampire spectrum, you have Spike (James Marsters). I don’t know if you could necessarily call Spike evil though… He was more like your typical high school bully (if you had a high school bully who happened to be a vampire with access to all sorts of evil devices). Spike is always trying to eff things up for Buffy and her “scooby-gang”, and he especially holds his own agenda against Angel. His level of shit-giving diminishes throughout the run of the series until he basically ends up joining Buffy’s entourage. He and Buffy even have a “thing” in the late seasons after Angel has left the show to star in his own spin-off (titled…. you ready for this shocker?: “Angel” … how did they COME UP WITH THAT?!?!)
And finally (as far as main characters go – for the most part), you have Cordelia Chase (Charisma Carpenter). Cordelia starts out as a popular, snobby, spoiled brat; and eventually evolves into a snobby, spoiled brat who hangs out with Buffy and friends until she follows Angel to his spin-off show.
In later seasons, the character of Dawn Summers (Michelle Trachtenberg) emerges. She’s Buffy’s “sister”. I don’t really know how to describe Dawn’s character and purpose briefly OR simply, so I’ll just say this: Dawn was a randomly placed character who’s hastily-invented backstory was a heaping load of shit and she added little to the show but excessive drama and whiny pre-teen hijinks.
So there you have it. That’s Embry’s slightly satirical synopsis. I’m not going to get into the more intricate details or plot lines of the show right now, because I’m writing a blog article, not a novella. I will say this, however… One of the main factors that contributed to the show’s success was it’s clever writing and endless abundance of witty humor. So I’d like to conclude this with ten of my favorite “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” quotes and/or dialogues (in no particular order):
- “Reading makes our English speaking good.” -Xander Harris
- “Buffy want beer!” -Buffy Summers
- Buffy Summers: What are you doing here? Five words or less.
Spike: [pause] Out. For. A. Walk… Bitch. - “I have heard a few complaints over the years, but then I just killed whoever spoke up, and that was pretty much that” -Spike
- I mock you with my ice cream cone, Amish guy! -Xander Harris
- Willow: Why else would she be acting like such a b-i-t-c-h?
Giles: Willow, I think we’re all a little old to be spelling things out.
Xander: Bitca? What’s a bitca? - “Well, I like you. You’re nice, and you’re funny, and you don’t smoke. Yeah, okay, werewolf, but…that’s not all the time. I mean, three days out of the month, I’m not much fun to be around either” -Willow Rosenberg
- “Demons after money? Whatever happened to the still beating heart of a virgin? No one has any standards any more!” -Rupert Giles
- “I know this one. Slaying entails certain sacrifices, blah, blah, biddie blah… I’m so stuffy, give me a scone.” -Buffy Summers
- “I just wanted to tell you that you won’t be meeting Coach Foster, the woman with the chest hair, because gym was cancelled due to the extreme dead guy in the locker.” -Cordelia Chase
PARTY ON!
PLUTONIUM POWER! 