Nothing says “Merry Christmas” like Child Neglect and Extreme Slapstick

It’s the most wonderful time of the year again! So I’m going to celebrate it 90s style by revisiting one of the classics – “Home Alone”.

Probably the most well-known Macaulay Culkin movie, “Home Alone” took slapstick comedy to a new, extreme, flinch-worthy level and sprinkled it with Christmas cheer.

Culkin plays a witty 8-year-old named Kevin McCallister who is accidentally left behind by his mildly dysfunctional family when they fly to France for the holidays. That alone is enough for a great plot line.  But it doesn’t stop there; While Kevin is enjoying the freedom from his family for Christmas, a couple of moronic burglars try to ransack the place. Luckily, Kevin is a very clever and inventive boy. Almost freakishly so…

The burglars are Harry and Marv (Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern), and they are basically the Three Stooges (minus one) of criminals. Even their calling card is idiotic – leaving a faucet running after they rob a house; dubbing themselves “the wet bandits”.

Kevin learns the burglars’ agenda and comes up with a multitude of clever traps to foil Harry and Marv’s plans. I won’t recount them all, but I will list my favorites – i.e. the ones that actually caused me psychosomatic pain to watch.

1. The iron in the laundry shoot.
   Marv attempts to turn on the light in the basement. He pulls the string, but instead of the light flicking on, a fully heated iron plummets down the shoot and conks him in the face, leaving an iron-shaped burn. Ouch.
2. The red-hot doorknob.
   Harry tries to open the front door (despite the fact that the doorknob is literally GLOWING red) and burns the bejesus out of his hand. Added bonus for the sizzling sound when he sticks his hand in the snow to relieve the pain.
3. The blowtorch.
   Kevin rigs a blowtorch above the back door, so when Harry walks in, he gets his head barbecued. How an 8-year-old knows how to work a blow torch, I don’t even want to know. How a blow-torch to the head didn’t kill Harry on the spot, I don’t care. That’s good shit.
4. Marv hitting Harry with a crowbar.
   Kevin’s older brother Fuller has a wicked tarantula that gets released and ends up on Harry. Marv sees the tarantula, and, well… What’s the best way to get a tarantula off of a friend? Hit the friend with a crowbar, of course! 10 bonus points if you hear a crunch on impact.
5. The tarred basement steps… And the nail.
   I always have to close my eyes for this one, because it kind of nauseates me. Kevin tars the crap out of the stairs leading up from the basement, so when Marv tries to climb them, he sticks. This would deter most people. But then again, most people have functioning brains. Marv keeps on climbing after his shoes come off, and even after his socks come off. Now, barefoot, he keeps going and – WHAM! Bare foot goes down on a point-up nail. (FYI, I’ve done this before. It does not feel good.)

So there you have Embry’s top 5 “Home Alone” booby traps!

Of course, by the end of the movie, Kevin’s dimwit parents realize they suck; and that they forgot their youngest child at home in Chicago… So they make their way home, and everything ends happily ever after and lessons are learned…. So on and so forth….

Until “Home Alone 2”. Stay tuned, cyberfriends. In the meantime, party on. And enjoy the video.

[props to hristo442 over on YouTube for showing all 5 of my favorite traps!]

 

 

Being under crippling pressure can lead to some awesome ephiphanies

Hello, cyberworld! So, as I announced in my last post – I’m participating in Nanowrimo this year. And, as seems to be the case whenever deadlines are placed on something, procrastination reared it’s ugly head. A fountain of excuses suddenly sprung up on day 13; they came one after another, and they began multiplying and branching off into excuses FOR the excuses. Then I had flashbacks to college, and writing papers I didn’t want to write, yet had to write because they were worth a huge chunk of my grade. Then I started subconsciously associating my novel with things I don’t want to write… Blah, blah, blah; fast-forward a bit and you have me 5 days from my deadline with about 37,000 words to write. Shit.

But as much as this sucks, it made me realize something. Well, two things, actually.

1.) If you’re too scared of sucking at something, you’re never going to become awesome at it. It’s a fact. If you want to play soccer as a kid, but you’re really afraid that you’ll never be great at it – it’s not going to be fun to play, since you have the potential of failure hanging over your head all the time.

Now, I know that number 1 seems like common sense. A lesson you’d learn as a child and carry with you into adulthood… I must have not been paying attention back then; because that didn’t sink in for me until now.

And 2.) If you hyper-focus on maintaining constant control over something, you close yourself off to better possibilities. For me, that applies to both my novel AND this blog. I freak out so much about what I want to happen, that I don’t allow potentially better things to happen.

There’s Embry’s 1990’s-cheeseball-style motivational monologue of the day. Don’t you feel like you just watched an episode of Saved by the Bell?

YOU’RE WELCOME.

Now party on, cyberfriends. I have a novel to write.

Earthbound!

I need to start this by saying – most of you probably won’t know what I’m talking about. And that’s okay. But hopefully this article finds those of you who DO know.

Earthbound was a video game that came out for Super Nintendo (US) in the early 90s. It was an RPG starring four children:

Ness

Paula

Jeff

and Poo

These four children who find each other from the far reaches of the world are apparently destined to team up and defeat an evil alien dictator from the future: Giygas

So on the way to your ultimate battle, you fight smaller battles along the way. Let me just list some of my favorite enemies from this game:

10.) The Worthless Protoplasm

This enemy, like his name would indicate, is worthless. He does nothing except make your players feel strange. They probably just feel strange going into a legitimate battle with something that’s basically inanimate.

9.) The Extra-Cranky Lady

We know this Lady well. Her main attacks are: bitching about stuff until your defense goes down, hitting you with her purse, and losing her temper. Seriously.

8.) The New-Age Retro Hippie

Who doesn’t want to be killed via political rants and philosophy? That’s how THIS enemy fights. He tracks you down (he’s fast too), and beats you down by trapping you in unsolicited discussion. Ouch.

7.) The Fobby

It’s a tomato. And it perishes just about as easily as you’d expect a tomato would. What else can I say?

 

6.) The Clumsy Robot

This guy barely even fights you. He approaches you with the promise of an epic fight, but then he just blows circuits and falls apart right in front of you. And even though you’ve so got this guy, the last hit is still given by the wannabe Blues Brothers. Lame.

5.) The Kraken

This boss is pretty epic. He’s one of those battles you come across in games that depends solely on luck. He might do nothing, or he might breath fire and kill all four of you in one hit in the very first round. And he’s a sea monster. That’s pretty awesome.

4.) The Crested Booka

  WTF is this thing?

3.) The Ranboob

Again, WTF is this thing?

2.) Master Barf

   He’s a pile of barf, and he kills you with his stench and overall nastiness. Ew.

1.)…….. Giygas ………

Quite possibly one of the creepiest game bosses ever, Giygas actually turns out to be an invisible force that lives within your mind. Um… Yeah. And as you kill him with prayer (yes… really… prayer.) he states that he feels happy before taking 100s of hp damage. Plus, they play really disturbing music during the scene. Check it out.

So that was my rambling about Earthbound. Like this article if you played this game, or at least know about it. I really want to see how many people played! Party on.

Ren & Stimpy Revisited.

I know I already covered Ren & Stimpy a little bit in a previous post, but after watching some episodes on Netflix recently, I’m feeling pretty amped to talk about it again.

This show is so freakishly raunchy that it’s hard to look away. Like a train wreck or a car accident. It’s so bad, yet so entertaining.

I’ve yet to find another show that so freely illustrates boogers, earwax, and feces consistently in every episode. Plus, what is up with Ren and Stimpy themselves? I mean, both of them are certifiably insane. And what exactly is their relationship? “Partners”? Roommates? I always got a partner vibe. And I always found it kinda creepy what with the whole inter-species pairing. And the fact that Ren seemed to have some homicidal rage towards Stimpy. Very dysfunctional household. I’m surprised they didn’t throw in advertisements for Prozac and Lithium within the show. I guess Powdered Toast man was close enough.

I still crack up at the episode where Ren was wearing around a muscle suit. I wonder what Cesar Milan thinks of Ren Hoek? I’m sure he’d say, “That dog has eee-ssues.” And then Ren would probably reply, “You EEEDIOT!”. OMG I so wish they would do a Dog Whisperer Ren & Stimpy crossover. I’d make one myself if I didn’t have such an aversion to making videos.

I digress.

Basically, to sum it up, if you’re ever in the mood to watch something totally disgusting yet somewhat funny, look no further than Ren & Stimpy. Party on.

The Macarena… WTF?!

I doubt there’s anyone out there who doesn’t know this horrific song, but just in case: That terror you just witnessed was “The Macarena”. And believe it or not, there was a time that it was ALMOST considered cool. It makes me gag a bit just thinking about it. So of course I have to write about it.

It was the mid 90s, and for some reason it was all trendy to listen to stuff like “Jock Jams” and really bad dance songs. The Macarena took this trend and ran with it. I mean, it went all the way in the video with all the terrible fashion don’ts and that ungodly dance. Oh! Okay – I’m gonna stick my arms out in front of me like i’m about to squat and take a crap, and then i’ll put my hands on my hips and gyrate for a while. That’s an AWESOME dance! .…Said no one. Ever.

And the song itself was also just bad. I don’t even know what they’re fucking saying, and I don’t really care to know. The song sucks.

So there! You have beheld my wrath towards The Macarena. Now I want to hear from you guys… Your thoughts on The Macarena. Did you love it? Hate it? Indifferent? Was anyone else like me where they felt like their ears bled with each playback of this song? Leave your comments below, please! DISCUSS!

RIGHTEOUS!!!

So after battling through a long stretch of paralyzing writer’s block, I was pleasantly stunned to return and find that PEOPLE ARE STILL READING MY BLOG! I have to say that this blows my mind.

When I’ve had blogs in the past, I found that a lack of new material typically equaled a lack of daily readers. Apparently I’ve finally become interesting enough to visit often. This is awesome.

Thank you, happy readers! You shall be rewarded! I battled and slayed the writer’s block, and now you’re gonna get some new stuff to read! 

ENJOY!

Playing Outside

I title this as if it is a foreign concept, because these days… it is! It’s rare in this new generation for kids to play outside. With smartphones in the hands of grade-schoolers, and video games in EVERY home, and computers..? Yeah… Who plays outside anymore?

I remember when I was around seven years old: I’d get home from school, change into “play clothes”, have a quick snack, and run outside as my mother ordered. Usually, my friends were already out there and the fun could begin right away. While it was still light out, we’d ride our bikes. I had a hand-me-down pink Huffy bike from my older sister. The kind with the banana seat and streamers at the end of the handle bars. Man, did I ROCK that shit! We’d explore  the outskirts of our boundaries. The next town over was always fun to frequent. If we had a couple dollars, we’d stop at the local hot dog shop and get some shakes and perhaps cheese fries. THAT was a good time.

When it’d get dark, we’d go back to our neighborhood and play “Ghosts in the Graveyard”. One kid would be “it” on the first round. (S)he would stand up against a tree and count, “one o’clock, two o’clock, three o’clock rock! four o’clock, five o’clock, six o’clock rock! seven o’clock, eight o’clock, nine o’clock rock! ten o’clock, eleven o’clock, twelve o’clock, MIDNIGHT!” and then the chase was on! The kid who was “it” had to go and find all of the other kids (kind of like hide-and-go-seek). When they spotted a kid who was hidden, the hidden kid had a chance to run and get back to the starting point. If the hidden kid got to the starting point (usually the tree) before “it” could tag him/her, then (s)he was safe. If (s)he didn’t make it; (s)he became a ghost, just like the “it” kid. Repeat process, and you have an epic game.

Another fun activity outside was ghost stories. The neighborhood kids and I would gather at someone’s playset and tell the SCARIEST ghost stories ever. Can’t say I remember any of them in detail, just that I got the living shit scared out of me frequently. That was usually the last hurrah of the evening, so I often went to bed scared and convinced that someone or something would harm me in my sleep. It was a good time.

So here’s to playing outside. You are a delicacy now, and should be treated with the utmost respect. Party on, playing outside. You ARE excellent!

Ocarina of Time

For the Zelda fans out there, this is a favorite to many. At the same time, it is often the only game that not-so-true Zelda fans have played. Either way, it’s kind of a big deal in the Zelda franchise

Who has two thumbs, an Ocarina, and the Master Sword – BITCH?!  You do! (or did) if you’ve ever experienced “The Legend of Zelda – Ocarina of Time”. Let me take you back, to better remind you of the awesomeness of this game…

The year was 1998. The Nintendo 64 gaming console was still new to many homes, and yet to see a game that TRULY showed it off (sorry, Super Mario 64 doesn’t count). Then came along “Ocarina of Time.” The fourth in The Legend of Zelda console franchise. It featured sandy-haired Link as the protagonist: A child who was adopted by the forest tribe, The Kokiri, as an infant when his Hylian mother was killed in the early stages of the war against Ganondorf. He never truly belonged to the Kokiri since he was without a fairy, and though he had the green clothes of the tribe, he lacked the LOOK of the Kokiri. Until his destiny is revealed to him by The Great Deku Tree. Then all is clear. Link is not of the Kokiri, but rather the chosen one of the Hylian race. The one who will save the land of Hyrule. The one who holds the Triforce of Courage!!!

That all sounds like nonsense to you, doesn’t it? Alright… Sorry, but you probably aren’t a TRUE Zelda fan. Nevertheless, I’m sure you enjoyed the game.

Maybe this will sound more familiar:
You are a blonde lad in green clothes, awakening from a bad dream to find a little pink fairy by his bedside. She’s annoying as hell (the fairy, that is) and constantly interrupts EVERYTHING you are doing to say, “HEY, LISTEN!!!” before giving you a kernel of knowledge that you probably already know. I.E. “We should go to Castle Town!” …Ya think?! I just got informed of that by the fucking Deku Tree AND almost everyone in the forest. But thank you for suggesting that we go to motherfucking Castle Town!

Clearly, I’ve played this game too many times. Sorry about that. I’ll continue now…

You battle crazy arachnids in the forest, psychotic lizards in the volcanoes, mutant jellyfish in the lakes…. Does THAT sound familiar?

Excellent. Keep reading.

The mini-games were always my favorite element, The Arrow-Shooting Game? The Fishing Game? The Bombchu Bowling Game? That, my pupils, is the finest in entertainment. And then you have the ultra-dramatic storyline:

Ganondorf, the prince of thieves, kidnaps the princess Zelda in his plot to take over the world. Link, the unlikely orphan, is destined to save Zelda AND the world. He battles through the lands, recovering pieces of the Triforce: The ultimate keys to enlightenment and power. He places these keys in the able hands of the gods and the prophets, and then he goes back to living the life of an orphaned, albeit lucky, child… And he acquires a horse, and a girlfriend who just happens to be the Princess of the Kingdom of Hyrule.

That, my friends, is Ocarina of Time. There’s time travel by way of sword-in-stone; romance; adventure; suspense; philosophy… EVERYTHING you could possibly want – wrapped into one game with killer graphics (for it’s time)

It’s no wonder it’s deemed, by many, the best in The Legend of Zelda franchise. You keep saving that Princess, Link. Party On. .

 

Stretch Armstrong

 

If you have [seen this man], you are definitely a child of the 70s, 80s, or 90s. Who could forget that mighty action figure that could stretch up to five feet for tug-o-war fun?

For those of you who were deprived and do not remember this guy – Stretch Armstrong was a giant action figure composed of latex, rubber, corn syrup, and awesomeness. He not only looked like a bad-ass (even with his 1990s creepy grin), but he could be pulled in two different directions to create a super-human, stretchy, freaky bad-ass who inevitably entertained us for hours.

I still vividly recall my most memorable date with Stretch… My friends and I had a debate over how far this dude’s arms could reach, so we decided to put it to the test. A few minutes (and a lot of kinetic tugging) later, our buddy Stretch was about five feet long from one hand to the other! But then, evil forces came forth… Stretch was compromised and given up to the gods of Physics. His blood poured down like water from a drinking fountain. It was sweet and syrupy, and my friend, Robbie* (name changed to protect identity), deemed it too delicious-looking to ignore. He feasted upon Stretch’s blood in an act of barbarian sacrifice to the god of toys, but his actions went unrewarded… Stretch deflated to a shell of what he once was, and we were left with an unfinished basement floor of syrupy tragedy.

Sound familiar? If you ever played with Stretch Armstrong properly, it should. This B-Movie-esque superhero was made to STRETCH! But he had his limits. If you were to push them, you inevitably wound up with a mess on your hands.

I’m sure at some point, you’ve eaten pancakes and wound up with some maple syrup on your hands?… Well, this was essentially the same composition of the insides of Stretch. Corn syrup MAY be able to go to great lengths (I mean, obviously – It’s still fucking with us to this day), but the rubber-latex? Not so much. Stretch always seemed to get all torn up when pushed beyond his limits. What a pussy. It’s one thing to fail to live up to your name, but he took it to a whole new level.  If you can’t allow simple-minded children to drag each end of you across a room, then what good are you? SERIOUSLY?!

Nonetheless; he was fun while he lasted.

Let’s all take a moment to respect our friend, Stretch Armstrong…. You never lived long, but you were never boring. Hats off to you, my friend. Party on.

For the Love of Buffy (The Vampire Slayer)

“In every generation there is a chosen one… She alone will stand against the vampires, the demons, and the forces of darkness. She is the slayer.” –Buffy the Vampire Slayer

The other day I talked about the X-Files. Now I’m going to cover my OTHER favorite show of all time.

“Buffy the Vampire Slayer” was a show created with more than a few expectations to fail, considering it was based upon a sub-par movie of the same name. But it did exactly the opposite. The show was a hit, and here I am about to tell you why (though I’m sure most of you already know.) Are you ready for another one of “Embry’s slightly satirical synopses”? Awesome. Here we go…

Buffy Summers (played by Sarah Michelle Gellar) is your average high school girl. She enjoys cheerleading, fashion, boys, killing vampires and demons, and burning down high schools. Okay, so the last two probably aren’t so average, but when you are a vampire slayer they’re just as routine as brushing your teeth.

She moves to Sunnydale, CA, with her mom, Joyce, after she is expelled from her high school in LA for burning it to the ground. You can’t really hold that against her, though. I mean, the damn school was filled with evil creatures! (and I’m not just talking about the teenagers and gym teachers). So now she’s starting a new life in a nice little town that just happens to be set above the mouth of hell.

Since Buffy is a hot blonde with a wardrobe fit for the cast of “Beverly Hills, 90210”, all the popular girls immediately try to befriend her. However, Buffy is familiar with the sacrifices required to be a part of this typical A-List cult; and since she would prefer to keep her IQ on the right side of the bell curve, she politely declines and chooses instead to hang out with Willow (Alyson Hannigan) and Xander (Nicholas Brendon).

Willow is a sweet, loyal, beyond-intelligent computer geek; and Xander is, well… Xander. Goofy, sarcastic, and less-than savvy about most things (including girls, spelling, girls, making friends with other guys, and girls).

After choosing her posse, Buffy gets the pleasure of meeting Rupert Giles. Giles is like a superhero in his own right. Dorky librarian by day, “Watcher” of the slayer and expert on all things paranormal and evil by…. well…. the rest of the day.

At first, Buffy tries to decline her destiny. All the arson and expulsion have left a bad taste in her mouth, so she’s hesitant to continue upon the path of all this vampire and demon stuff. She soon sees, though, that Sunnydale is in DESPERATE need of some demon ass-kicking, so she gives in and the real fun begins.

Now enter Angel (or Angelus if you want to keep up formalities), played by David Boreanaz. Angel was your ORIGINAL sullen, overprotective, stalkerish, hot young vampire (minus the glittering-in-the-sunlight bit). At the start of the series, he’s the only good vampire in the show because he’s been cursed with a conscience by an ancient group of white-magic-practicing gypsies who got all vengeful after he killed most of their clan. So once Buffy moves into town, he thinks “This girl is hot, AND she destroys all evil things?! I gotta get a piece of THAT action.” So at first he stalks her and acts all creepy and mysterious, giving her bits of unsolicited advice and help. It doesn’t take Buffy long, though, to figure out what Angel is really about. And then she’s all, “Okay. You’re sexy, you know my secret (so there will be no need for awkward dishonesty there), and you’re immortal; so not only will you STAY hot, but you can help me and I don’t need to worry about you getting yourself killed. Yeah, I’m cool with this arrangement.”

On the opposite end of the vampire spectrum, you have Spike (James Marsters). I don’t know if you could necessarily call Spike evil though… He was more like your typical high school bully (if you had a high school bully who happened to be a vampire with access to all sorts of evil devices). Spike is always trying to eff things up for Buffy and her “scooby-gang”, and he especially holds his own agenda against Angel. His level of shit-giving diminishes throughout the run of the series until he basically ends up joining Buffy’s entourage. He and Buffy even have a “thing” in the late seasons after Angel has left the show to star in his own spin-off (titled…. you ready for this shocker?: “Angel” … how did they COME UP WITH THAT?!?!)

And finally (as far as main characters go – for the most part), you have Cordelia Chase (Charisma Carpenter). Cordelia starts out as a popular, snobby, spoiled brat; and eventually evolves into a snobby, spoiled brat who hangs out with Buffy and friends until she follows Angel to his spin-off show.

In later seasons, the character of Dawn Summers (Michelle Trachtenberg) emerges. She’s Buffy’s “sister”. I don’t really know how to describe Dawn’s character and purpose briefly OR simply, so I’ll just say this: Dawn was a randomly placed character who’s hastily-invented backstory was a heaping load of shit and she added little to the show but excessive drama and whiny pre-teen hijinks.

So there you have it. That’s Embry’s slightly satirical synopsis. I’m not going to get into the more intricate details or plot lines of the show right now, because I’m writing a blog article, not a novella. I will say this, however… One of the main factors that contributed to the show’s success was it’s clever writing and endless abundance of witty humor. So I’d like to conclude this with ten of my favorite “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” quotes and/or dialogues (in no particular order):

1. “Reading makes our English speaking good.” -Xander Harris
2. “Buffy want beer!” -Buffy Summers
3. Buffy Summers: What are you doing here? Five words or less.
   Spike: [pause] Out. For. A. Walk… Bitch.
4. “I have heard a few complaints over the years, but then I just killed whoever spoke up, and that was pretty much that” -Spike
5. I mock you with my ice cream cone, Amish guy! -Xander Harris
6. Willow: Why else would she be acting like such a b-i-t-c-h?
   Giles: Willow, I think we’re all a little old to be spelling things out.
   Xander: Bitca? What’s a bitca?
7. “Well, I like you. You’re nice, and you’re funny, and you don’t smoke. Yeah, okay, werewolf, but…that’s not all the time. I mean, three days out of the month, I’m not much fun to be around either” -Willow Rosenberg
8. “Demons after money? Whatever happened to the still beating heart of a virgin? No one has any standards any more!” -Rupert Giles
9. “I know this one. Slaying entails certain sacrifices, blah, blah, biddie blah… I’m so stuffy, give me a scone.”  -Buffy Summers
10. “I just wanted to tell you that you won’t be meeting Coach Foster, the woman with the chest hair, because gym was cancelled due to the extreme dead guy in the locker.” -Cordelia ChasePARTY ON!