For the Love of Buffy (The Vampire Slayer)

“In every generation there is a chosen one… She alone will stand against the vampires, the demons, and the forces of darkness. She is the slayer.” –Buffy the Vampire Slayer

The other day I talked about the X-Files. Now I’m going to cover my OTHER favorite show of all time.

“Buffy the Vampire Slayer” was a show created with more than a few expectations to fail, considering it was based upon a sub-par movie of the same name. But it did exactly the opposite. The show was a hit, and here I am about to tell you why (though I’m sure most of you already know.) Are you ready for another one of “Embry’s slightly satirical synopses”? Awesome. Here we go…

Buffy Summers (played by Sarah Michelle Gellar) is your average high school girl. She enjoys cheerleading, fashion, boys, killing vampires and demons, and burning down high schools. Okay, so the last two probably aren’t so average, but when you are a vampire slayer they’re just as routine as brushing your teeth.

She moves to Sunnydale, CA, with her mom, Joyce, after she is expelled from her high school in LA for burning it to the ground. You can’t really hold that against her, though. I mean, the damn school was filled with evil creatures! (and I’m not just talking about the teenagers and gym teachers). So now she’s starting a new life in a nice little town that just happens to be set above the mouth of hell.

Since Buffy is a hot blonde with a wardrobe fit for the cast of “Beverly Hills, 90210”, all the popular girls immediately try to befriend her. However, Buffy is familiar with the sacrifices required to be a part of this typical A-List cult; and since she would prefer to keep her IQ on the right side of the bell curve, she politely declines and chooses instead to hang out with Willow (Alyson Hannigan) and Xander (Nicholas Brendon).

Willow is a sweet, loyal, beyond-intelligent computer geek; and Xander is, well… Xander. Goofy, sarcastic, and less-than savvy about most things (including girls, spelling, girls, making friends with other guys, and girls).

After choosing her posse, Buffy gets the pleasure of meeting Rupert Giles. Giles is like a superhero in his own right. Dorky librarian by day, “Watcher” of the slayer and expert on all things paranormal and evil by…. well…. the rest of the day.

At first, Buffy tries to decline her destiny. All the arson and expulsion have left a bad taste in her mouth, so she’s hesitant to continue upon the path of all this vampire and demon stuff. She soon sees, though, that Sunnydale is in DESPERATE need of some demon ass-kicking, so she gives in and the real fun begins.

Now enter Angel (or Angelus if you want to keep up formalities), played by David Boreanaz. Angel was your ORIGINAL sullen, overprotective, stalkerish, hot young vampire (minus the glittering-in-the-sunlight bit). At the start of the series, he’s the only good vampire in the show because he’s been cursed with a conscience by an ancient group of white-magic-practicing gypsies who got all vengeful after he killed most of their clan. So once Buffy moves into town, he thinks “This girl is hot, AND she destroys all evil things?! I gotta get a piece of THAT action.” So at first he stalks her and acts all creepy and mysterious, giving her bits of unsolicited advice and help. It doesn’t take Buffy long, though, to figure out what Angel is really about. And then she’s all, “Okay. You’re sexy, you know my secret (so there will be no need for awkward dishonesty there), and you’re immortal; so not only will you STAY hot, but you can help me and I don’t need to worry about you getting yourself killed. Yeah, I’m cool with this arrangement.”

On the opposite end of the vampire spectrum, you have Spike (James Marsters). I don’t know if you could necessarily call Spike evil though… He was more like your typical high school bully (if you had a high school bully who happened to be a vampire with access to all sorts of evil devices). Spike is always trying to eff things up for Buffy and her “scooby-gang”, and he especially holds his own agenda against Angel. His level of shit-giving diminishes throughout the run of the series until he basically ends up joining Buffy’s entourage. He and Buffy even have a “thing” in the late seasons after Angel has left the show to star in his own spin-off (titled…. you ready for this shocker?: “Angel” … how did they COME UP WITH THAT?!?!)

And finally (as far as main characters go – for the most part), you have Cordelia Chase (Charisma Carpenter). Cordelia starts out as a popular, snobby, spoiled brat; and eventually evolves into a snobby, spoiled brat who hangs out with Buffy and friends until she follows Angel to his spin-off show.

In later seasons, the character of Dawn Summers (Michelle Trachtenberg) emerges. She’s Buffy’s “sister”. I don’t really know how to describe Dawn’s character and purpose briefly OR simply, so I’ll just say this: Dawn was a randomly placed character who’s hastily-invented backstory was a heaping load of shit and she added little to the show but excessive drama and whiny pre-teen hijinks.

So there you have it. That’s Embry’s slightly satirical synopsis. I’m not going to get into the more intricate details or plot lines of the show right now, because I’m writing a blog article, not a novella. I will say this, however… One of the main factors that contributed to the show’s success was it’s clever writing and endless abundance of witty humor. So I’d like to conclude this with ten of my favorite “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” quotes and/or dialogues (in no particular order):

1. “Reading makes our English speaking good.” -Xander Harris
2. “Buffy want beer!” -Buffy Summers
3. Buffy Summers: What are you doing here? Five words or less.
   Spike: [pause] Out. For. A. Walk… Bitch.
4. “I have heard a few complaints over the years, but then I just killed whoever spoke up, and that was pretty much that” -Spike
5. I mock you with my ice cream cone, Amish guy! -Xander Harris
6. Willow: Why else would she be acting like such a b-i-t-c-h?
   Giles: Willow, I think we’re all a little old to be spelling things out.
   Xander: Bitca? What’s a bitca?
7. “Well, I like you. You’re nice, and you’re funny, and you don’t smoke. Yeah, okay, werewolf, but…that’s not all the time. I mean, three days out of the month, I’m not much fun to be around either” -Willow Rosenberg
8. “Demons after money? Whatever happened to the still beating heart of a virgin? No one has any standards any more!” -Rupert Giles
9. “I know this one. Slaying entails certain sacrifices, blah, blah, biddie blah… I’m so stuffy, give me a scone.”  -Buffy Summers
10. “I just wanted to tell you that you won’t be meeting Coach Foster, the woman with the chest hair, because gym was cancelled due to the extreme dead guy in the locker.” -Cordelia ChasePARTY ON!

The Truth is Out There – And you can read about it here!

Today I’m going to cover a topic that I hold near and dear to my heart: The X-Files. A cult phenomenon back in it’s day, The X-Files took sci-fi, horror, and comedy, and wrapped it all up into an outrageously bizarre, addictive, and AWESOME show that ran for 9 seasons from 1993 to 2002.

For those of you who didn’t watch (or didn’t watch as religiously as people like me), I will give you Embry’s slightly satirical synopsis. So here goes:

Dana Scully (a scientist and medical doctor) is assigned to a special project of the FBI called the X-Files, which is led by Fox Mulder (a conspiracy theorist and madman). The purpose for her assignment is to “debunk” the project (i.e. – gather tangible evidence that Mulder is no more than a raving lunatic talking out of his ass). But, it’s clear from the very start that Scully thinks Mulder is a sexy beast, so she decides to say EFF YOU to the main purpose of her task and instead she opts to follow Mulder around like a puppy…. A puppy filled with skepticism, negative energy, and sexual tension.

Mulder and Scully embark on many adventures together, investigating primarily cases that could uncover the existence of aliens and their plot to overtake the earth. Mainly, they are trying to find Mulder’s long-lost-sister who was supposedly abducted by aliens when they were children. His sister’s disappearance is what drove him mad, and so when it comes to aliens, Mulder’s behavior is about equivalent to that of a meth-head looking for more crank.

They do investigate other cases, though, that are not E.T.-centric. To name a few:

 

• The dude who can squeeze through tiny spaces by making himself like Stretch Armstrong. He rips out people’s livers and eats them to maintain immortality and keep up his lovely jaundiced complexion.
• The fetishist who likes to play beautician before murdering pretty girls and stealing their hair and fingernails.
• The in-bred hillbilly family who keeps their mother/sister/aunt/grandma (who has no arms and legs) on a board with wheels under a bed. (NOTE: this episode was technically banned after one airing because of the fact it was BEYOND disturbing)
• Obsessive-compulsive vampires who drug people with pizza in order to drink their blood.
• Sex-crazed Amish folk who love porn and nightclubs and turn out to actually be aliens.
• Circus freaks
• Killer cockraches

…And the list could go on and on…

There was a complex story-arc that weaved around their investigations. To sum THAT up as briefly as possible…

The recurring main antagonist of the show is a suit-wearing, chain-smoking, mystery man known primarily as “Cancer Man”. His agenda is to do whatever it takes to stop Mulder from discovering anything about anything, so he’s constantly trying to kill Mulder and Scully. When he’s not trying to kill them, he’s torturing them; and he’s behind the majority of the alien cases that they investigate. Cancer Man is killed several times throughout the course of the show, but always comes back somehow and is always even more sinister after each death and resurrection. You ultimately find out that he was the man responsible for Mulder’s sister’s disappearance, and that he may actually be Mulder’s biological father (clearly, he’s based on Darth Vader).

At the show’s start, Mulder and Scully hate their boss, Assistant Director Skinner. As time goes on, though, they all warm up to one another and become best buddies. There’s speculation that Skinner had the hots for Scully. Possibly Mulder too. Nonetheless, he ends up helping them out a lot.

In season 2, Scully get’s abducted by aliens. She’s missing for 3 months (2 episodes in X-Files time), and is returned a bit worse for wear. But it’s okay. She recovers… Or DOES she? A couple seasons later, after finding an alien implant in the back of her neck (which she has removed…. BIG MISTAKE!), Scully finds out she has cancer. It’s a brain-tumor that was the result of removing the alien microchip. You see, aliens don’t like it when you undo their handiwork. Bad things happen. They set you up to self destruct. So listen closely, readers… If you ever find a microchip in your body, for the love of god, LEAVE IT! Mulder’s smart though. He figures out (after running around and threatening everybody, faking his own death, and returning to threaten everybody some more) that if they put the chip back into Scully’s body, her cancer will be cured. It’s so simple… ROFL.

Mulder and Scully’s romance… THAT is a story arc in and of itself. For the first 6 seasons, they dance around the fact that they want to jump into bed with each other. The innuendos are more than obvious, and the frustration is so intense you can FEEL IT. There was an X-Files movie between the 5th and 6th seasons in which the two almost kiss, but then (of course) Scully gets stung by a bee that is carrying an alien virus, and chaos ensues; leading to a random trip to Antarctica. It’s never really clear how the HELL they even got back from Antarctica, considering they were both half dead by the end of the film, but whatever. You learned to stop asking questions. In season 7, they FINALLY do the dirty. You don’t see it happen, but you know… Oh, yes, you know… Plus, Scully ends up pregnant a few episodes later. Ironically, Mulder gets abducted by aliens at this time and it’s pretty much assumed that he will never be returned. That doesn’t stop them from looking though… [We will return to Mulder and Scully romance after the next plot tidbit]

So Mulder is gone. Scully and Skinner basically scrap the X-Files project for a while to dedicate all their time and energy in searching for him. There’s also some new folk on the team. Agent Doggett was the agent put in charge of the FBI’s “official” man-hunt for Mulder. At first he’s a huge dick, but then Scully tears him a new asshole, so he turns that attitude around and joins the real quest. Like everyone who enters the vortex of Dana Scully, he’s infatuated with her. But he knows he’ll never live up to Mulder’s prowess, so that’s that. So now we have Scully, Skinner, and Doggett searching for Mulder. Then Doggett brings another agent in, Reyes, who is hardly worth mentioning because she’s not all that significant. Eventually they find Mulder. But he’s dead. (And I shut myself in my room and sulked for a week, listening to REM’s “Everybody Hurts” on repeat.) But then he comes back!!! You see, he wasn’t really dead. He was in suspended animation because he had an alien super-virus. They exhume his body after he’s spent 3 months 6 feet under, and Scully cures the virus and all is well with the world again. For at least a few episodes.

[Mulder and Scully romance continued… Kind of.] So, Mulder is back from the dead, and Scully gives birth to her baby after about 11 months of pregnancy. Again, don’t ask. You never question the X-Files. And…. SHOCKER ALERT!: The baby is part alien. It has telekinetic powers, and it is basically a living tracking device to the aliens and Cancer Man. Mulder flees to Mexico or Canada (it was never really quite clear which) because supposedly that will protect Scully and the baby. In reality, David Duchovny was just sick of doing the show, so the creators had to come up with some random explanation for his second disappearance.

….Fast forwarding now, because the 9th season was mediocre – at best….

Series finale: Scully has, by now, given up the baby for adoption. Because, come on – who the hell wants an alien tracking device in their home? She gets a call one day saying that Mulder has returned, but he is in a Federal Penitentiary on death row for killing a man who can’t be killed (i.e. – an alien). Scully, Skinner, Doggett, and Reyes inevitably help bust him out and Scully and Mulder flee the country together to live happily ever after. The end.

I know this seems like an ultra-long synopsis, but trust me – I gave you the short version. There was a LOT of other bullshit that I didn’t even cover, such as alien super-soldiers and the apocalypse theory. And there were also the Lone Gunmen (who I will later dedicate an entire article to, because they are awesome).

But that was Embry’s slightly satirical synopsis for you. I hope you enjoyed it. If this has peaked your interest (or renewed your interest) in “The X-Files”, the entire series can be found streaming on Netflix. It’s really a fun show, and I highly recommend it – obviously.